My Cheesy, Fake Interview With Three Lights by Naia Zifu The scene: a well-appointed celebrity dressing room with a midnight-blue chair, matching loveseat, a framed print of Van Gogh's "Starry Night" on the wall, a potted palm, and a lighted vanity in the corner which is covered with roses and stuffed toys sent by fans. A large fruit basket and several small bottles of water sit on a glass- topped coffee table in front of the loveseat; nearly half of the fruit has been consumed and most of the water bottles are scattered about half-empty on the table. The door opens and three attractive, seemingly male figures enter, chatting amongst themselves about the concert they've just played. All three are dressed similarly, in colourful suits: The shortest one, in the light-blue suit, has bobbed silvery-white hair and large pale-green eyes. The tallest one, in the yellow suit, has a short, practical, off-the-face hairstyle and intense violet eyes. The other wears a red suit and has short, curly black hair and blue eyes. And all three have very long ponytails at the back, bound in ribbons that co-ordinate with their natural haircolours. Yaten: I was _not_ playing too fast tonight; you guys were playing too damned slow! Seiya: It's "Todokanu Omoi," Yaten, not "Flight of the Bumblebee!" If you keep playing like that we'll all have to-- *jumps and screams with a horrified look at the realisation they're not alone in the room* GAH! The author avatar, a small, cute micronised T'sentrati woman with short deep-blue hair, large grey eyes, and aqua-tinted eyeglasses, sits on the blue chair eating a large Fuji apple from the fruit basket. She is dressed in a black pantsuit with a lavender blouse, purple stud earrings, and her hair is combed back from her face for this occasion. Naia: *drops the apple and rushes to greet the idol band with outstretched hands and starry eyes* Three Lights! I just love your music! What an honour it is to finally meet you! *rushes from Light to Light shaking hands, but shakes Taiki's especially long and hard* S: Who the hell are you and what are you doing in our dressing room? N: Naia Zifu, _Extraneous Information_ magazine; I'm doing an article on up and coming alien bands for our special holiday issue. Your manager said you'd be expecting me. Taiki: *wrenches hand free and shakes out the soreness* Ah, yes, Zifu-san, we heard you'd be coming. But when our manager said you were T'sentrati, we expected-- N: Someone taller? More vicious-looking? I get that all the time, don't worry. *silently damns those stereotypes* Have a seat and let's get on with the interview, shall we? Naia returns to her seat on the blue chair. Yaten and Taiki sit together on the loveseat, and Seiya sits backwards on the vanity chair with a bunch of red seedless grapes to pop. Y: An article on alien bands? Pretty degrading for a reporter with a rep for gritty war stories. . . N: Well, you know what they say, "all work and no play. . ." I specifically asked for this assignment because I'm such a fan. It was originally just an article on "boy bands," but once I was on it, you know they just _had_ to throw in the "alien" angle. . . S: I feel you, girl. It's annoying when people see you as just some dirty little alien. If there's anything we can do to help dispel the stereotypes. . . N: Great! Let's get started, then. *reviews question list* Firstly, a lot of your fans have become confused about your real genders. In fact, I hear you're not really a "boy band" at all, are you? S: Well. . .no. Actually, we were born female, and back home we always lived as girls. In the manga we were _always_ girls, even on Earth. It's just in the anime where we actually became male idols to disguise our identities while we searched for our princess. N: "Became" male? You mean physically? How does that work? Lights: *blush!* S: Well, um, we just kind of. . .will ourselves to become male and it just kind of. . .happens. Right, guys? T&Y: *nod* N: *looks horrified* Doesn't that hurt? Lights: Of course not! Y: You mean people from your world can't do that? N: *gets a strange look and shakes head slowly* Lights: *sweatdrop* T: Just. . .suffice it to say gender isn't the same fixed issue for us that it is for some races. N: Oh. . . Seiya-san, is that why gender wasn't an issue for you in your crush on Usagi-chan? S: *chokes on a grape* Hey! That wasn't even about gender! It was the beautiful light inside that attracted me to Odango, not what she looks like on the outside. N: Then, if Usagi-chan had been a man, your interest would've been the same? S: Odango, a man? *looks disgusted* I don't even want to think about that! N: Then your preference is only towards girls? S: I, uh, never had to think about it that way before. We never even dealt with the idea of fixed gender until we came here. But I. . . guess you could say that. I certainly can't see myself dating a man, could you? N: But since Usagi-chan's only got eyes for Mamoru-san, a lot of fans link you with Kakyuu-ouhi instead. Is there any chance of anything going on between you? S: *nearly falls out of the chair, much to the others' amusement* Come on, you're killing me here! What's with all these romance questions, anyway? Y: Go on, dish it, girl! T: Inquiring minds like ours want to know! S: Er. . .well. . .the princess and I are close, of course, but. . . All: But? S: We can't have that kind of relationship! She's our princess, I'm just her Senshi; think of the scandal! N: Yeah, you're probably right about that. So what about you, Yaten-kun, with Minako-chan? Or the flirtation between Taiki-sama and Ami-chan? T&Y: *recoil with horrified looks* Where did you hear about that? S: *laughs* Inquiring minds like mine want to know! T: Well, Mizuno-san is intelligent, attractive, and has a kind and caring personality, but. . . All: But? T: But we have to spend the whole series looking for our princess, and then we have to go home at the end, so there's really no chance to explore the possibility of a romance. So, barring any outside chance of a sequel, I guess we'll never have a chance to be together outside of fanfics. Y: Aww. . . *gives Taiki a comforting pat on the back* N: *hugs Taiki* It's okay, Taiki-sama. I'll write the two of you together in my fanfics! T: Arigato, Zifu-san. That's very generous of you. N: Nah, I just think you and Ami-chan make a beautiful couple, that's all. I like writing fics about the romance between beautiful couples. S: Then maybe you'll write one about me and Odango? N: *gives Seiya a real go-to-hell look* S: *shrinks back* Okay, okay, it was just a suggestion! *suddenly perks back up* Hey, Yaten, you never even answered her question! Y: There's nothing going on between me and Minako-chan! I mean, yeah, she's great for an Earth girl, and in some ways I can really relate to her, but I can't see any chance of a future between us. Earth girls just really aren't my type! S: Aah, it'd never work out for those two, anyway. They'd do nothing but fight over lipgloss and mirror time! T: *cute giggles* And argue over whose hair is prettier. . . Y: *tosses hair* Mine, of course! There's just no comparison! All: *burst into hysterical laughter* Y: What? It's true, isn't it? N: Yaten-kun, you were the one so concerned over fangirls saying, "I love you" without knowing your real selves, right? Does that mean you wish they knew your real personalities, your real genders, or your real mission, or what? Y: All of the above! But personalities, especially. It's so shallow to say you love somebody you know nothing about, just because they're good-looking. N: And yet you relate to Minako-chan, the ultimate obsessed fangirl? Y: But that's not why I relate to her. I relate to the fact that beneath the bubbly fangirl exterior, deep down inside she can seem so tortured, moody and serious. When she's not acting like some brainless fangirl, I think we actually have a lot in common. N: Speaking of brainless fangirls, a lot of American dubbies have recently become aware of your existence through an RPG and some manga adaptations, both heavily based on the English dub. Does that worry you? Y: Dubbies? *makes a horrid face* Ack, who needs them? T: Well, we could use their money, for one thing. More fans mean more revenue, no matter which version they choose to watch. Y: Money is good. But no matter how they pad my pockets, I still can't help resenting dubbies. Most of them don't know anything about the real Bishoujo Senshi, or even real anime in general! T: Actually, most dubbies don't realise there's such a difference between the real versions and the dubs they watch every day on tele- vision. They assume what they're watching is a direct translation, and are often genuinely surprised to find out just how censored the television dubs really are. Y: Yeah, but most dubbies don't even _want_ to watch real anime! They either feel uncomfortable watching something in a language they don't know, or just don't care about the integrity of the series as long as they can watch some version of it on TV for free. All most dubbies care about is the pretty pictures, when it's really the Japanese language and cultural references, and the Japanese way of storytelling, that separates real anime from mere American cartoons. T: Yes. Simple ignorance is forgivable. It's choosing not to learn that's the crime. S: *misses mouth with a grape, but picks it up off the floor and eats it anyway when no-one seems to be looking* What worries me is what'll happen to us in a dub! Can't you just imagine the horror? They'll give us bad Western names, and they'll probably be so dumb they'll make our family names the same instead of personal the way it should be. Then they'll probably accuse us of being siblings on top of it! Y: They might censor our fuku, and they'd surely cut out or censor our henshin because of the gender change. Hell, they'd probably take out all the male references and try to pretend the change doesn't happen at all! T: Or pretend we all have twins, and insist only our "twins" are Sailor Senshi. S: But they never say "Senshi" in that dub, Taiki. They'd call us "scouts" instead. . .and make us all go door-to-door selling cookies! *makes a sour face* Y: Yes, "scouts" are little girls in berets who sell cookies. Sailor Senshi are gorgeous girls in skimpy fuku who save the world! T: You do realise they'd give us high-pitched "Valley Girl" voices, like the rest of the cast, don't you? S: *looks horrified* They'd recast _my_ voice as a "Valley Girl?!" Have they no respect for the dead? Y: In the land of Elvis and Marilyn impersonators? Please! T: And we all know the words "Star Gentle Uterus!" would never be uttered from my counterpart's mouth. . . Y: *laughs* Her new power: "Starmaker Purple Lego Blocks, Stack!" T: Lego Blocks? Y: Well, if they take away your "maternal" reference, and Americans would never let you have a "god" reference, what else is left? S: *pouts* I just realised, if they cut out all our boy scenes, they'll try to disguise my crush on Odango! T: That should be the least of your worries! If they remain true to form, they would render us unintelligent, immature, and boy-crazy to fit their own warped vision of normal teen-aged life. S: No way! I am _not_ spending all series whining, acting stupid, or _especially not_ drooling over guys! That's _disgusting!_ T: That's exactly what Ten'ou-san said, and look how badly the dub treated her! Y: But it wouldn't really be you, anyway, Seiya. None of us would be ourselves. We'd just be sick parodies of our real selves, like every- body else on that show! It's obvious those American dubbers don't give a damn about accurate dubbing or good character portrayals, as long as they get their money. By the time they get finished with a series, it hardly even resembles the same show anymore! T: You're acting more anal than usual today. Y: I'm representing Naia-san's extreme anime purist tendencies. N: And doing a damn good job of it, too! *hugs Yaten* I knew you were my second-favourite Light for a reason! Y: *cute pouting* Second-favourite? But who could you possibly love better than me? T: *whistles and tries to look innocent* Y: *punches Taiki in the arm* I hate you, Taiki, you know that? T: *hugs Yaten tightly despite struggles and protests* Aah, you know you love me! Besides, I'm sure she's got plenty of your merchandise lying around, too. Right, Zifu-san? N: *sweatdrops* Er. . .well, not yet, anyway. . . Actually, the only Lights stuff I have so far are my three Maker dolls. S&Y: *look very hurt* None of our dolls? N: Not yet, but I will! . . .As soon as I stop getting outbid for them on Ebay. . . Y: Yet another reason to resent dubbies! Now that they think they know us, they snatch up all our merchandise so the real fans can't get any! T: *quickly covers Yaten's mouth* Have you lost your mind? Our livelihood depends on those merchandise sales, no matter who's the purchaser! S: Please! This is _Ebay_ we're talking about! Half their merchandise is bootleg anyway, and even if it isn't, we'll still never see a penny of those exorbitant bid rates! T: Very true. Y: I hate Ebay. N: *loves Ebay and got most of her BSSM merchandise there* *decides to quickly change the subject before the idols catch her on this* But in the meantime, I've been making these cute little clay Lights figurines and winged star pins to hold me over! Wanna see? Lights: Sure! Y: Ha! My figurine's more kawaii than yours, Taiki! S: Hey, these aren't half bad! *pins brooch onto suit lapel* Mind if I keep this? N: Sure, keep all you want. I'll make more. T: Whose figurine is this, with the red-streaked hair? *picks up figurine and puts on glasses to read the tiny inscription on the feet* "To Hikari O--" N: *shrieks and snatches figurine away* How did that get here? I meant that as a present for-- T: *smiles sweetly* Ono-san is my favourite myu actress, as well. Y: That wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that she used to play you, would it? T: Well, yes, I did like her portrayal of me, but that's not the only reason she's my favourite! Ono Hikari is a beautiful woman and a very talented actress. I like her no matter what role she's playing. I think it's nice of you to make her presents, Zifu-san; I'm sure she'll love them. Give her my regards in your fan mail, okay? N: Sure thing! So, are the rest of you fans of your myu actresses as well? S: Yeah, that Sayuri-san's a fox! I'd date her, if she didn't used to be me and all. . . But I do wish her Seiya would loosen up a bit at times; she let Taiki and Yaten steal the whole show! What's up with that? Y: Well, clearly, I'm way prettier than Momoko-san, and _way_ less hyper. But at least she can _act_ kawaii. I guess that's gotta count for something! N: Well, I like all your myu actresses. Now, if the writers would just write you three back in sometimes. . . S: They probably wouldn't use the same actresses. T: But we're great characters. As long as they choose good actors we can easily survive a recast. Besides, seeing Ono-san play with a new Taiki could prove interesting. . . N: You think so? Hey, wanna see photos of Katherine dressed as you, Taiki-sama? T: Sure! *looks them over* Hey, that's a pretty good resemblance. S: Nice Koduck. Y: Is that ponytail real? N: Uh, no, that one's from a costume shop, but she's working on a real one. Give it some time. Y: Great, maybe by the time it grows she'll be thin enough to look good in a fuku. . . T: *nudges Yaten with an elbow* Now what do we keep telling you about being kind to the fans? Y: Oh, all right, I'll behave! *folds arms and goes all quiet and pouty* T: The pictures are very nice, Zifu-san. Arigato for sharing. S: *pops the last grape, discards the stems, and stands up from the backwards vanity chair* Well, if the interview's about over now, we have a photo shoot to get to. Y: *sighs and tosses hair* An idol's work is never done. N: That's okay, I'm interviewing Mylene Jenius and Veffidas Feaze of Fire Bomber in an hour, anyway. S: Good luck getting Veffidas-san to talk. . . Y: Or Mylene-chan to shut up! N: Yeah, I know. *sighs* A writer's work is never done. *leaps up suddenly and runs to the door* Just one more thing before I go! *opens the door and several small Pokemon walk in; first a Pikachu, followed by a Zenigame, Purin, Koduck, Raichu, and Fushigidane* Any- body wanna hug my Pokemon? Lights: Yeah, sure. Why not? *all hug each monster in turn* N: Thanks, guys, you've been great sports. *shakes hands with and hugs each Light in turn, and seems reluctant to let go of Taiki* It's been a pleasure meeting you, and I hope we can do this again sometime. T: Sure thing, Zifu-san. We've enjoyed having you. Y: Ja, crazy lady! S: Come back and see us any time! N: Okay, everybody hold hands so you don't get lost! *all Pokemon join hands or other such appendages and follow Naia out the door* ©2001 Naia Zifu All rights reserved. The character (author avatar) of Naia Zifu is my own creation (of course), but all Three Lights are Sailor Moon characters I own no rights to. As always, I'm not trying to make money from anyone else's ideas. Anyone who's read my stories with Naia in them will know her personality is altered here for comic effect, but since she's my own character I'm completely allowed. The opinions expressed in this cheesy, fake interview are entirely my own, though I tried to present them in a way Three Lights might say them if it were a "real" interview. Any problems with the statements in this, send them to me, although I probably won't care, as I stand by every opinion as firmly as if it were fact. And if you read this looking for simple character information, sorry to disappoint you. Anyone can do that, but I wanted to ask something more interesting. Go to some character profiles if you want the basics. *stops now before the author's notes become as long as the actual piece*